- It may be that there are other Neurodivergent family members in the home with their own needs (e.g. sensory, processing, regulation).
- Keep in mind that competing needs require negotiation for the benefit of everyone in the home, regardless of neurotype (e.g, Neurodivergent, neurotypical
Care can look different through a Neurodivergent lens as there are body/mind differences for cross neurotypes. While there is limited research in the context of cross neurotype relationships within a domestic abuse context, a caring and respectful relationship involves a ‘mutual partnership’ where both partners are equal, show gratitude for each other’s contributions, have mutual respect and appreciation, acknowledge each other’s differences, and make adaptations that accommodate each other’s needs44.
Below, are some examples of situations/needs that may affect Neurodivergent clients and examples of how behaviour in relation to that situation/ need can be managed in either an abusive way or in a caring, reciprocal way. It could be useful as an exercise with Neurodivergent clients to use this table as an example and add their own examples of situations that have occurred in their own intimate relationships. The client could then be asked how this situation could have been resolved in an equitable and non-abusive way. We have also produced a table version to download and print here.
Reciprocal relationships
ABUSIVE/ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP
Neurodivergent person uses threatening and abusive behaviours to demand that the children are quiet when he is working from home.
EXAMPLE SITUATION/NEED
Neurodivergent person works from home on a flexible basis which is an accommodation agreed with their employer. This is because of sensory overload in the office during specific times of the week when business activities include open days.
CARING/RECIPROCAL RELATIONSHIP
The family has a meeting and talk about working patterns, noise and how they can all work together to find a compromise. This includes discussing realistic planning around school holidays, evenings and weekends, and planning for what spending time together looks like outside of these times
ABUSIVE/ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP
Neurodivergent person exerts coercive control over their partner by belittling them and restricting their opportunities and rights regarding access to new experiences.
EXAMPLE SITUATION/NEED
Neurodivergent person experiences anxieties around unfamiliar situations.
CARING/RECIPROCAL RELATIONSHIP
Both partners exercise choice regarding their desire or lack of desire to explore and enjoy new experiences as they please. Neurodivergent partner is supported to engage where they wish to do so (potentially through employing strategies that can help familiarise and prepare for difference). Decisions are taken together about what to do if the situation becomes overwhelming.
ABUSIVE/ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP
Neurodivergent person leaves the house telling their partner that they will be back when they feel they are ready and does not return until after the children’s nighttime routines have been completed by their partner.
EXAMPLE SITUATION/NEED
Neurodivergent person experiences emotional dysregulation during an argument about childcare responsibilities that were previously agreed, and says they need processing time to regulate.
CARING/RECIPROCAL RELATIONSHIP
Both partners have agreed roles and responsibilities regarding childcare to ensure this is equitable and considers the needs of them and their children. Coping and communication strategies for managing disagreements or differences in perspective have been negotiated.
ABUSIVE/ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP
Person discharges their emotional dysregulation on their partner, blaming them for not understanding their implied meaning and using this as a justification to be abusive because the partner ‘made them feel stupid’.
EXAMPLE SITUATION/NEED
Neurodivergent person has challenges understanding implied meaning.
CARING/RECIPROCAL RELATIONSHIP
Agreement within the family that communication in relation to important issues is clear and direct wherever possible and that there are honest conversations in relation to each person’s needs. Where a person is feeling emotionally dysregulated, non-abusive coping strategies are employed so the person can discharge their dysregulation in a non-abusive way.
ABUSIVE/ONE SIDED RELATIONSHIP
Person refuses to help with household responsibilities and becomes aggressive when interrupted.
EXAMPLE SITUATION/NEED
Neurodivergent person may have a special interest or area of hyperfocus.
CARING/RECIPROCAL RELATIONSHIP
Agreement within the family regarding split between personal time to engage in special interests and family time where the person is expected to contribute meaningfully to family life (e.g., a discussion about an equitable division of chores around the home).
(44)
Lewis, L. F. (2022). Autism as a difference or a disorder? Exploring the views of individuals who use peer-led online support groups for Autistic partners. Autism, 27(2), 321-330. (Original work published 2023)
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